The Grammys (2012)

Full disclosure, I listen to a kind of music that isn’t generally recognized at the Grammy's. It’s called: "better than the music that is recognized at the Grammy's." But whatever. I only know 3 of the 5 songs nominated for Song of the Year, so I had to download the others to hear them.

Yuck.

1. I can’t even acknowledge "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons. Unless you are Kings of Leon, the rule is, "No fiddles." NO FIDDLES! Why is this rule not being strictly enforced? (There are probably no fiddles in the song, but I hated it so much, I had to stop listening to it so I could go eat an Eggo, but it seems like the kind of song that would have a fiddle-component in it somewhere.) Look, I love a fiddle from time to time, especially on one of those Dixie Chicks who isn't the funny looking little one, or the hair-challenged, now-deceased former member of Dave Matthews' posse. But anyway, in general, my view is that fiddling should be reserved for the CMAs. And so should this stupid song (whether or not there is a fiddle and whether or not this is some kind of hybrid country song). Even if you like it, it's really fucking mellow for the Grammy's.

2. Someone should call in a 5150 involuntary psychiatric hold for Bruno Mars, who is clearly suffering from suicidal ideation in "Grenade." How is no one looking into this? It's a decent song, but as with "The Cave," it is way too maudlin for Grammy exposure.

3. But hold onto your fiddles! Are they trying to get America to collectively OFF itself this year?! It is very hard not to love every song Bon Iver puts out, including a really cool cover of "Come Talk to Me" by Peter Gabriel, but I can’t see "Holocene" winning in this category. First of all, no one really feels comfortable saying the name of this band of one person, whose name is not Bon Iver. And the song is just too beautiful and real. One of the lyrics is: “and at once I knew I was not magnificent.” What’s not to love about that? So I’m giving them a pass on pirating the video directly from Sigur Ros’ "Glosoli," which is one of my all-time most favorite songs. Maybe I should watch the Iceland Grammy's next year. Then again, I still have some issues with Reykjavik. Anyway, if you think "Grenade" is a sad love long, go on a road trip and listen to "Holocene" followed by "Rosalyn." I don’t know what any of the lyrics mean, but you’ll convince yourself they apply to something somehow, and you will be pulled over on the side of the road crying under a viaduct within 14 minutes. Trust me. Bon Iver is great music… for when you wake up and say, "I feel like being a pussy today. I wanna have weird memories come back, feel sorry for myself, regret every decision I ever made, and cry so hard I can’t go to work tomorrow without having to wear a face mask to hide the fact that my eyes are swollen shut." Thus, Bon Iver cannot win.

4. "All the Pretty Lights"(feat.) Kanye West/Rihanna/Kid Cudi/possibly Elton John and Travis Tritt? I don't know. Seems like a lot of bodies involved on this one. Incidentally, I am in LOVE with the term "feat.", the definition of which is:

"I can't write or carry a song by myself, so I better call up Rihanna."  [SOURCE: Wikipedia]

Rihanna's got noting to do. She's only "feat."-d on every song by every artist currently available on iTunes, including Coldplay -- yeah, that's what I said, COLDPLAY!!! -- and she makes EVERYTHING more awesome. It's like they had a pretty good song going, but then they were like,

"We can make this better. Let's put something in there that will make people feel like they are having a totally unanticipated and unwanted orgasm while they're walking to work."

"I agree. I have Rihanna on speed dial, and she never says no. You can punch her right in the face, and she just keeps going."

So anyway, "All the Pretty Lights" is awesome and will win. SIDE BONUS: It also causes seizures!! Really. It says so right at the top of the video. I myself had a self-loathing-induced seizure while listening to it, but that’s because I started hating my boobs after seeing what Rihanna has going on with hers.

5. Adele’s "Rolling in the Deep," is a close second for the win, because she has a lot of traction this year, and also because she never abused pretty little Taylor Swift at a former Grammy presentation. Everyone forgives her the fact that she hasn't Jennifer Hudson-ed out on us (yet) by joining Weight Watchers.

Adele has to have somewhere to store those super-human lungs. Or maybe she keeps them in that kaiser roll on her head.  In which case, maybe lose some weight. You're in America, honey bun. Don't mislead our youth into thinking they can achieve stardom in this world and still know the taste of cheese.

Frankly, I want a separate televised music event when someone will give me "Pumped up Kicks" by Foster the People (nominated in the category "Best Pop Duo/Group Performance" instead of Best Song, where it belongs), or "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye (feat. Kimbra) (they should win something just for having peculiar names -- look at the video. You're a little bit startled to find out they're both white people, huh, aren'tcha?) These are very catchy songs. They get stuck in your head for MONTHS. Longer even! I've had "Pumped Up Kicks" in my head since December 2010. I put peanut butter on my brain to try to get it out, but it didn't work, so now I have to cut off my head.

I don't know whether she is performing, but I don't need any more of Lady fucking Gaga. I get it. We are SO CLOSE to seeing your vagina, we can hardly take it. You’re SO provocative. You can sing in German. I fully and utterly respect you for your talent. I’m just bored. Enough with the props and the hats and bathing suits. You are wildly musically gifted and have a fantastic voice. So just dance. Have you ever seen Maroon 5? Less is more, Lady. Adam Levine is hot as fucking hell even though he could fit into a teacup. But he can WAIL and his "dance" moves are sexy sexy sexy even though they are nearly imperceptible to the human eye.

Prediction:

The Grammy producers may or may not have gone to great lengths to make sure that Kanye and Taylor will not ever at any point cross paths this year. But I’m betting they will. Why? Because there will have to be some kind of Whitney Houston tribute, and they are scrambling to get a motley crew of artists to participate on the stage in some bizarre, unlistenable medley of “How Will I Know?” and “The Greatest Love of All.” Beyonce’s a lock. So is Taylor. John Mayer will somehow be needed to play a solo, and Kanye will muscle in. I just know it. And I cannot WAIT!

So as you can see, the fact that I know nothing about what’s going on in the mainstream music industry fully qualifies me to offer you my opinions.
---

I invited my friend Paul over because he does music, I'm afraid to watch the Grammys alone, and two heads are better than one, as demonstrated above by Rihanna being tacked onto every song being sung in the universe lately. But her star will pass. Chris Brown will crazy-leg her to death one day.

So Paul comes over at 7 and for 45 minutes watches me painstakingly construct a taco dip using one of my two plates. This is by design. I never watch an award show in real time because live blogging is so much more satisfying for readers if you don't post your blog until four days after the show.

Bruce Springsteen opens with a yellow guitar. This is nice. His hair looks nice.  Good tan. Don't really understand the pirate earrings, but he looks better in his jeans than I do, and I'm impressed that Little Steven and Red Head haven't aged since 1980. Nothing shocking so far. Kanye doesn't come in and try to steal his thunder road.

Then LL Cool J arrives to host the show. He looks meticulous in his beret.

PAUL: What has LL Cool J done for the music world in the past 10 years?
ME: I think he's a detective now.

LL seems grave and says, "Tonight, we ask ourselves, 'How do we speak to this time? To this day? There is no way around this. We've had a death in our family.'" and I get all confused. What? What time? What do we have to speak to? Who died???!!! What’s going on?

PAUL: Whitney Houston.
ME: Oh yeah.

I don't know how I already forgot about that.  But it's gonna get hard to forget again. Whitney Houston Death Reference (WHDR) #1.

PAUL: He's gonna read a prayer from a piece of paper?

ME: Those people in the audience are just pretending to be sad because they know they're on camera.

PAUL: You're harsh!

ME: Have we met? Why do you think you're here? Shut up.

LL ends his prayer. "Whitney, we will always love you" -- They show Whitney signing "I Will Always Love You" from an earlier Grammy show when she was not dead, and I feel bad because she had a good voice, and Paul says people are saying this is a bigger loss than Michael Jackson.

ME: What did I just tell you? You're talking nonsense. 

PAUL [under his breath]: She won more Grammy's.

ME: I don't care. Who sang "Wanna be Startin' Something"? That's the bigger loss. 

PAUL: Can you imagine going to the Grammy’s and having to sit behind a guy in a cowboy hat? That would fucking suck.

We are promised some "new Grammy moments." I can’t wait for the new Grammy moments!!!

Camera scan of the audience leaves Paul and I in a short debate about who’s wearing the little red riding hood cape. Debate ends in us reminding each other that we don't know who anyone is anyway. All I can tell you is that Lady Gaga has costumed herself a la Hannibal Lecter. Why? Why?

Bruno Mars performs "Run Away, Baby" in the Temptations format.

ME: What kind of ethnic combo do you think he has going on there? He's really neat looking.

PAUL: I need a gold jacket.

ME: I've been saying that forever.

WHDR#2 seems a little bit weird, somehow disingenuous -- Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys sing together.

ME: I've never heard this song. Why are they singing this non-Whitney Houston song as a tribute to her?

PAUL: Because it’s for Etta James.

ME: Oh. I think I got lost in Alicia’s greaser hairdo.

Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys hand out the Grammy for BEST POP SOLO PERFORMANCE: "Someone Like You" Adele. Paul and I both want Pink to win. I would tell you what I thought of Adele's acceptance speech, but, um, couldn't quite catch it. Was that English?

Chris Brown performs. Not a lot of people can pull off jeans like that. His talent is undeniably amazing. Even so...

ME and PAUL in unison: Is there any effort to keep Chris Brown AWAY FROM Rihanna at these things? 

ME: He can punch anyone he wants if he keeps dancing this way. 

PAUL: She’s probably got security here.

ME: I hear Jay-Z needs the cash.

Fergie and Marc Anthony hand out the Grammy for BEST RAP PERFORMANCE: Otis, Kanye West and Jay-Z (We are informed that neither of them is in attendance)

ME: WHAT?? THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! The only reason I'm watching this crap is to see what Kanye does.

Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson come out to perform together.

PAUL: Kelly Clarkson looks like she ate Kelly Clarkson.

ME: I don't approve of making fun of a girl's weight.

We then pause the show to conduct a 45-body-part comparison of my body to Kelly Clarkson's.

Verdict: Kelly Clarkson is fat-ish.

Jason Aldean looks like he’s trying to hold his suit together -- not really sure about the hat. Oh wait. Yes I am. Don’t wear a cowboy hat with a suit.

ME: Oops, mike malfunction. Why didn't she share her mike with him?
PAUL: She’s a hog.

Jack Black introduces Foo Fighters as having "indie cred" because they play outside. Dave Grohl performs wearing a Slayer t-shirt, still cool. Can’t not be cool.

PAUL: [Goes into sincere detail about how and why Dave Grohl is so talented.]
ME: I like his arm bands. Is he late for a tennis match?

Rihanna performs, slipping in WHDR#3. Rihanna is lip syncing, getting anally raped, and becoming the lord of the dance all at the same time.

Coldplay performs. It makes me sad how bad Chris Martin sounds.

PAUL: I wish there were something we could vote on. Make the Grammy's more interactive!

Guess they couldn't get Eli Manning. Here’s an awkward Grammy moment. Proof that professional football players cannot read, speak, or dance.

BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE: Walk, Foo Fighters. Waiting for a good speech here from Grohl. Instead, I get the answer for why all their music sounds like it was made in a garage in 1993. Their Grammy-winning song actually was made in a garage. Grohl makes the big political statement of the night --- indie = anti-autotune. "Singing into a microphone is the most important." MAJOR DIG on the 34 hip hop artists who performed within the half hour prior to his speech.

Ryan Seacrest belongs everywhere.

The Beach Boys' voices have withstood the test of time. Accompanied by Adam Levine wearing a three-piece-suit without the jacket (swoon), and Vampire Weekend (I think -- they look like they're 11 years old, so it has to be Vampire Weekend, right?) No, it's actually Foster the People. These adorable smiling little punks are the ones responsible for messing with my brain all these months?

Stevie Wonder gives us WHDR#4, but no performance. No performance? Stevie, fire your agent. There are no circumstances under which you should go ANYWHERE and not light up our dig with your singing (is that man EVER not glowing with contagious joy?) just to introduce someone else...

Well, I guess unless it's Paul McCartney (feat.) Diana Krahl (sort of) and Joe Walsh.

PAUL: He kind of looks like my Aunt Kathy.
ME: I don't know your Aunt Kathy, but I whole-heartedly agree.

BEST R&B ALBUM goes to Chris Brown. He sounds a bit like he’s saying he’s sorry and thanking the Grammy's for letting him perform. I am obsessed with his chest tat. How did Rihanna not see it coming?

The Civil Wars are for some reason given only 60 seconds to be awesome, and then introduce Taylor Swift.

PAUL: She looks like Minnie Pearl. She just needs the hat.

The hair is so strangely ugly and plain. Are we going the other way now? Is the idea to look frumpy? Will this become the new trend?

PAUL: She has pretty eyes. I wonder if those are contacts?
ME: I was pretty when I was 17 too.
PAUL: You’re holding it together.
ME: That’s the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

Neil Patrick Harris gives Adele the Grammy for SONG OF THE YEAR: Rolling in the Deep

Katy Perry performs in a short, blue, crimped wig.

PAUL: I'm not into that blue hair thing.
ME: I wonder what your genetic make up has to be to come out with blue hair?
PAUL: I like her because she's shaped like a real woman. She has curves. She has hips.
ME: Are we looking at the same person?

BEST COUNTRY ALBUM: Lady Antebellum

Gwyneth Paltrow shows up. Did she just walk in with Chris and they let her on the show?

Adele sings "Rolling in the Deep" after winning the Grammy for BEST SONG OF THE YEAR.

Now I feel like I’m watching Hee-Haw. We don’t appreciate the Perry Band siblings not coordinating their varying looks. The sister is wearing a hula skirt. The brothers are showing too much nut.

Blake Shelton, I’m OK with what you’re doing for the look of country with that nice suit and handsomeness and NO country hat. Thank you.

BEST NEW ARTIST: Bon Iver. How is this a new artist? I saw him at Lollapalooza in 2009. But he's the first and only person to get kicked off the stage with music for talking too long, allowing the camera to pan to the audience, where the Band Perry looks super angry for having lost.

We are thinking about turning it off for awhile. This is so boring, it's exhausting, but then, Oooh!!! Oooh!!! The dead people part! Who doesn't love the dead people part?

[At this point, my DVR catches up with real time, so Paul and I decide to do some song writing, and what I mean by that is, Paul plays guitar and I heckle him.]

When we tune in again, we are treated to Jennifer Hudson massacring "I Will Always Love You," which is the point when you realize, I don't care how much crack that lady did, or how sweaty she got when she sang, only WHITNEY HOUSTON could sing that song the way it was meant to be sung. In addition, we aren't sure about what's going on under Jennifer's dress.

PAUL: Is she wearing something that ladies wear to make...
ME: Spanx.

But they're not on right or something. There appears to be a sharp ledge up around the hips.

PAUL: Her fake eyelashes are too heavy for her eyes.

Then there's some kind of out-of-doors block party going on with a black guy who isn't Will.i.am.

PAUL: What is that in his hair?

ME: A spork.

How does Chris Brown beat up a girl and then get to perform 8 times at the Grammy's? He kicks off what looks like the coolest dance party of all time, introducing Foo Fighters and Deadmau5 -- the eyes on the mouse head are now updated to look like KITT from Knight Rider.

Drake introduces Niki Minoj (I'm not even going to look up how to spell her name because she doesn't deserve it). Paul and I don’t even know what to say about the Exorcism theme of this performance. We’re creeped out by the most awkward moment of the Grammy's. It reminds me of when Madonna performed Like a Virgin and she's crawling around on the ground in a lace mini wedding dress and I was watching with my mom and I wanted to die.

PAUL: I'm not even religious, and this is offensive to me.
ME: I'm not religious either, and I feel scared. I'm praying it doesn't get worse...

PAUL: Did she...?
ME: She totally dropped the F-bomb.

I don’t care whether she actually said it or not, but it sounded like it, and that's enough for me. She's lip syncing? How did they get the swearing in?

RECORD OF THE YEAR: Rolling in the Deep, Adele. This is kind of boring, just watching Adele keep winning, since you can't understand anything she says anyway.

Diana Ross’ hair. An entity unto itself.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: 21, Adele. Such an awkward speech, which, again, I can’t understand. I do hear her say that someone taught her quality control -- but apparently not portion control, or that it’s not “nice” to say “snot” in America.

PAUL:  Why didn't they just give all of the Grammy's to her when she went up the first time? Unless they’re viewing it as a way to get her to exercise.

ME:  I want LL Cool J to DO something!

Still looking like Paul's Aunt Kathy, Paul McCartney sings the B-side of Abbey Road and sounds amazing as ever.  The show concludes with a totally fantasmic 5 minutes of round robin dueling guitars, including, but not limited to, Paul McCartney, the Boss, Dave Grohl, Joe Walsh (and two others we can't identify but only because we're too tired to try).  Two out of two of us agree that Dave Grohl definitely sounds the best in this context.

God, I wish I hadn't watched that.  Paul and I could have written 40 songs and been up for a Grammy ourselves next year. I look forward to writing a totally superior song one day, only to have to present Taylor Swift and then lose to her.

where r u?

What did we do before texting?  We talked to each other on the phone, that's what.  I was a year out of law school before I got a cell phone, and I was one of the first people I knew to have one.  It was as big as the Sun, and the battery lasted four minutes, and it cost $482 to make a phone call, but that's the way it was.

Before texting and cell phones, you could never find your friends in bars.  You had to walk around the PedMall, traipse all over the bar, not see your friends, and then try the next place.  Even well-laid plans to meet up were often foiled.  Before texting and cell phones, once you got in your car, you were incommunicado.  No one knew whether you were on your way or if you were trying to find a parking space or if you were still at home in the shower.  And before texting and cell phones, dating was normal.  Now that we have texting, dating is SO fucked up, I can't even talk about it.

While I didn't come late to cell phones, I did come late to texting.  I thought it was something that only teenagers did, so I felt sheepish about doing it.  Creepy even.  Plus, until a year ago, I had a cell phone with a regular number pad, and texting on that thing was a pain.  First of all, it took too long to tap out the letters.  Second, I cannot write in text speak.  It makes my eyes bleed.  I physcially cannot use the characters "u" or "r" or "2" to mean "you" or "are" or "to".  I just can't do it.  I even have to use sentence case and proper punctuation.  So, while you can say, "where r u", I have to write, "Where are you?"  And while you can say, "gr8 2 c u :) 2mrw?", I have to write, "I really enjoyed seeing you, Jim. I hope we'll get together again soon!  Maybe tomorrow?"  Even with a full qwerty keyboard on my Android phone, it takes me a long time to draft, edit, proof, and finally send my texts, so I'm just no good at texting.

Being bad at texting can mess up opportunities. It's not helpful when someone booty texts you and you're trying to think of a good response and while you're in the middle of tapping out something really witty and fun, he texts, "why u taking so long?'

[me being bad at texting

also, as per usual, sweaty]

I make unjustified judgments about people based on their grammar and spelling.  When someone misspells a word, or says "you and I" because they think it makes them sound more intelligent, even though it should be "you and me" because it's the object of a preposition, I get upset. I feel disappointed. I can't help it. I know that's my cross to bear, and no one else is with me, so I'm the one who has to change.  But it isn't coming easily for me.  The purposeful shortening of words and not following the rules of grammar, even in the interest of ease and speed, disheartens me and turns everything upside down.  You're writing in ebonics, but you've got an advanced degree.  It doesn't compute.

The first person to write like this was Prince. Check out the lyrics to Pop Life. Then Sinead O'Connor started doing it. But now it's gone to an extreme.  Text speak is widely accepted, and people write this way in emails now too.  They even say things like "LOL" and "WTF".  There are more syllables in "WTF" than there are in "what the fuck"  It isn't saving you any time, so why are you saying it that way?  Are you afraid to swear?  Are you more embarrassed about swearing than you are about how you can't read and write?  And really, are you LOL?  Because I'm standing right in front of you, and you clearly are not LOL.  Don't lie to me right in my face.

Another problem I've noticed about texting is that, whereas in some instances it saves time and gives helpful information in real time, texting is, most of the time, a waste of time.  It can take hours of texting back and forth to commicate what could have been said in a 30-second telephone conversation.  This is because, after you send a text, you have no control over how long it takes the recipient of the text to reply to you with another text.  And it's stupid, because you are both obviously holding your phones in your hands. It would be so much faster to dial the person's number, say what you need to say, and then hang up.

But people don't like to say things out loud.  People prefer to text, because texting is passive, and what I mean by that is: Texting is for pussies.  When you send someone a text, it's the equivalent of saying to them, "I'm afraid to call you, but if I were to call you, I'd hope to get your voice mail so I could leave a message and not actually have to talk to you.  I'd prefer to make it so you have to call me back, and when you call me back, I probably won't pick up the phone, because I said what I wanted to say in the message I left on your voice mail."

So while I do text, even though I have to do it as if I am writing an old-timey letter, I also have friends who don't text at all, and it's annoying.  It's like having a friend who doesn't have a telephone, and when I want to talk to that friend, I have to ride my horse and cart over to his house and ring the bell.  But whereas you may find yourself heckling your friends who don't text, how annoying is it when your parents get in on the action?   No one wants a text from her mother.  Not hardly ever.

Another thing about texting is, there are no rules.  There's no etiquette at all.  First, there is no universal agreement about what ends a discreet text interaction. In the olden days, and I believe this is widely in practice even today, when a telephone conversation had reached its conclusion, one person would say, "Bye." And then the other person would say, "Bye." And then you would both hang up.  You gave the cues.  Fin.  But with texting, sometimes you write, "Bye," but a lot of times you don't. You never really know when a text exchange is over. This is confusing and sometimes upsetting. If we're in the middle of a furious texting session, going quickly back and forth, and I ask you a question expecting you to respond right back, but instead I don't hear from you until four days later, well, what in the hell is that? That's the wonderful world of texting! And it's totally acceptable. It's so acceptable that when that happens, you're not even allowed to complain. Because no one owes you anything when you send a text. When you text someone, you're at their mercy. Maybe they'll find your text worthy of a response. Maybe they won't. If I call you and I say, "I'd really like to see you," it would be highly weird if you hung up on me. But if I text you, "I'd really like to see you," I might not ever hear from you again.

Second, there are no hours of operation. Remember when we just had telephones with rotary dials? There was no call waiting, and answering machines hadn't been invented. I actually lived in a world like this. In those days, the rule was, you don't call people at their home before 10 a.m. or after 9 p.m. If the phone ever rang after 11 p.m., your heart would start to race. The only thing on the other end of that phone call was, "Grandma is dead." But with texting, you can text anyone any old time. Except there's one rule, and it only applies to single people. If you are single, the only people who text you after midnight are people who want to have sex with you. For example, I get the following text at 2 a.m.: "Hey". That translates roughly to "Wanna come over and fuck?" But I can't tell my mother about this rule. So my mom might text me at midnight and say: "Hi, honey. I'm going to Sam's Club tomorrow. Let me know if you need anything :)" When I hear that little ding that tells me I have a text, my body starts to quiver... "Yippee!! I'm gonna do some fucking tonight! I wonder with who?!" But no. It's my mother, asking if I need a 48-pack of batteries and some toilet paper.

In conclusion, there are lots of things I don't like about texting and what it's done to our relationships and our world.  However, there is one thing I really love about texting, and that is the moment after you hear that "ding" that tells you you have a text.  It is the most exciting sound in the world and it gives you the most delicious feeling.  Anything could be at the other end of that little noise.  The butterflies in your stomach get all stirred up.  You could be in the middle of solving world peace and not able to get right to your phone, but you would be thinking, "YAY! I have a text!  I wonder who it could be!"  Opening a text is like opening a present, and the only thing more exciting than that is...

a love letter.

... booting up the scanner right now.