Romantic comedies are bullshit

Romantic comedies make real life dating seem like a total drag.  The guy I'm dating has never organized his impossibly adorable pre-school class to perform a choreographed song and dance routine at my place of employment, but I'm still supposed to think that he likes me?  We've been seeing each other for over two months and I haven't been flown to Hong Kong yet.  What a dick.  Why do I even return his calls?

People in romantic comedies are always going into barren baseball parks at night, somehow have the keys, somehow know how to turn on the lights, somehow never get caught.

People in romantic comedies always go to extreme measures to woo persons they met only once.  In real life, if a woman were to make an extreme romantic gesture, she would be immediately dubbed “psycho” and avoided at all costs.

In real life, I would punch a guy in the face if he started singing to me under any circumstances whatsoever.

People in romantic comedies have an alarming tolerance for cheesy first dates.  No one really wants to go on a picnic (I don't know you, so, yes, let us drive out to a field in the middle of nowhere.  But first, let me put in a call to Unsolved Mysteries and save everyone the middle man on the search for my hacked up corpse).

In real life, there will be no second date after a "wacky" family dinner involving physical comedy.

People in romantic comedies often live in very small towns filled with friendly, educated people with nice teeth who all get along and bake pies and volunteer in the drama department of the local grade school.  There is often a hoedown (are there really such things as town hoedowns in 2010?  In the 90s even?) where everyone actually knows how to "hoe down", everyone unashamedly goes, and everyone falls in love.

People in romantic comedies are always being cheered on in their romance by large crowds of strangers, say, in a coffee shop, a classroom full of kindergarteners, a bus, everyone at the DMV.

Many times, the people in romantic comedies are presented to us as persons with flaws. For instance, the main character may be a fat girl, and this fat girl is often played by Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock, you know, just painfully fat, hard to look at even. Or perhaps the main character is a nerd, you know, Chris Klein or Ryan Reynolds, both of them just woefully nerdy.

Angry slap-fighting in romantic comedies inevitably makes everyone very horny. I poked my boyfriend in the chest once.  It led to him taking the key to my apartment off of his keychain and throwing it at me, not to us having passionate sex in an elevator.

Women crying in romantic comedies are always beautiful and the guy is always brushing her lovely hair out of her pretty face.  Go take a gander at yourself the next time you cry, my friend.  Witness snot.

Lovers in romantic comedies often find themselves running towards each other Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy-style.

No one ever really gets on (or off) the plane at the last second.  Most people just take their flights as scheduled, and regret it the whole way.  I tried to get off of a plane once for a guy, but they wouldn't let me because my bags had been checked.  Fucking terrorists.

People in romantic movies are always primarily supported and loved by the stranger they met on the bus just prior to learning that they have inoperable cancer.  I'm pretty sure the presence of a pimple or an allergic sneeze would cause me to not get asked out.