Isn't it kind of funny what I did last year... a big build-up about how I was going to watch the Grammys in Vancouver with my friend Christine and her Australian friend, Vicki Tickle, and then I didn't write anything about it at all. Not for lack of material, mind you, but I couldn't keep up. I was in Canada, after all, and although 3/5 of us are not Canadian, we became Canadian-funny. It was powerful. Christine peed her pants. With four women in the room saying four funny things all at once, I got lost and could hardly watch the Grammys because I was transcribing so hard. I typed as fast as I could, and if I knew anything about Twitter, you would have really enjoyed what they had to say. But I don't know anything about Twitter, so you missed out. I'm sorry. If it helps, the Grammys were stoopid, as per usual, and nothing interesting happened at all, but I had a blast!
I didn't even know that the Grammys were on tonight, but an App on my iPad just dinged to tell me that I could listen to Grammy music. "What?" said I. "... Uh oh. I'm too late! I'm too late!"
The Grammys are on tonight and I am ill-prepared. I hate the Grammys, and I usually spend at least two days getting ready. I sit in front of the TV and change the channels for a MINIMUM of 26 hours, watching only commercials. I do that for 3-hour stretches while chain smoking and swearing and being really angry. And then, somewhere during the 12th or 13th rep, I go numb. When I'm singing along with a Chili's commercial, I know I've trained well. It's time to begin the work.
I examine the nominees. This takes time, because I listen to music whenever there are ears attached to my head, and yet, somehow, I never know any of the songs or albums that are nominated, and I haven't heard of most of the artists. Well, that's not entirely true. I know all the underdogs, and that awful Taylor Quick. I really don't want to see her AGAIN this year. She isn't still making music is she? Probably not. Has it been long enough... could she be in that "Where are they now?" category by now? Please say that I don't have to see her this year. I don't want to. I didn't have time to properly prepare for this, AND I'm alone, which is unprecedented. It's like going tandem sky-diving without the experienced guy strapped to your back. I won't know when to pull the cord. I don't know if I can make it through the show just in general, so if that scrawny punk shows up, things could be SO bad for me.
This year I am in Nashville, which is a cool place to be on Music Night, except, it's not country music night, and we're in the middle of a deep freeze, which the forecasters are going crazy about. It's 64 degrees. But will be 7 degrees tomorrow. Hmm. That IS weird, if you're not from Chicago, and if you didn't blog about the Grammys from Vancouver last year, so I think I'll stop talking about the weather, and get back to music.
For reasons I don't know how to explain, I've been listening to a lot of Christian Rock lately. I just told you I can't explain it, so I'm ending this paragraph now.
What, oh what, is coming our way tonight? I'm about to go to the official web site to find out, and then blog passionately about a bunch of songs and bands I've never heard of until... right... now...
Well, can't go wrong with L.L. It's the hat. How can you not like the hat? This year, I'll count L.L.'s hats. I'm betting there will be 7 of them. At least half of them will be on backwards. I also think he should try it without the hat, just once, one appearance without a hat, but instead, a big comb. That would be so L.L.
Oh, L.L.
Why are the ladies' college basketball shorts longer than the mens' college basketball shorts?
(I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud? I'm a little frantic right now, and I'm triple-tasking to make this happen for you. The 5:00 news is on, and it seems the Vandy girls took it bad from the Gamecocks. Which reminds me that I went to the Olympics in 1996, and was able to score a ticket to ONE event: Women's Basketball. Imagine my disappointment. This was 1996. I was from Chicago, and I watched a GREAT DEAL of basketball at that time. Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Steve Kerr these women were not. I was at the final game, and saw the U.S.A. Women's Basketball team win a Gold Medal. It was SO fucking BORING!!! Why do women bother doing ANYthing?)
I'm obviously approaching this as if it's the night before a term paper is due. I haven't done my homework at all, and now that it's down to the wire, I'm hanging out at a bar, pretending to study, but really... I'm drunk.
Focus.
A bit about the process, because there actually IS a process. (I fully understand that this must come as a surprise, so I'll let you take that in.)
Done?
See, you don't blog about the Grammys year after year, hating them as I do, and not devise a way to form REALLY STRONG opinions about songs you heard for the first time not more than 4 minutes ago. I'm a lawyer/teacher/audiophile, so naturally, there is a process. Mine has 11 steps:
STEP 1: Put the name of the song into a search engine.
STEP 2: Sort through 4 to 18 videos on YouTube trying to find the ACTUAL "Official Video" for the song.
STEP 3: Watch an ad for something really odd waiting with mouse poised for the first available second when you can click "SKIP AD."
STEP 4: Click "SKIP AD" (Look, I'm not taking anything for granted here. Things get complicated later,and I don't want to lose you before we get to the harder parts. If you don't like things spelled out, don't read a blog written by a former 5th grade English teacher. We do things a certain way around here, so put your hand down, turn your mouth off, track me, sit up straight, and follow the fucking steps!)
STEP 5: WHILE the song begins to play, toggle back to your blog and immediately start writing about it while it's playing in the background. This is the "Listening Phase." It's the equivalent of being in a bar (let's face it, I haven't been to a bar in like 12 years, and this is a nicer, more authentic blog now [that comes shining through, doesn't it?!], so I'll be real. New sentence. It's like... when I watch Parenthood, and I'm super pissed off at myself because I'm watching Parenthood, and I KNOW better than to be watching this show. Naturally, since I'm watching Parenthood, I'm bawling my snot glands out. Lord knows I have reasons enough to cry. I hardly need to self-inflict additional crying by watching a TV show that makes me wail EVERY GOD DAMN TIME I WATCH IT. So, I'm watching Parenthood, and hating how it's SO DRAMATIC, and everything is going so well, and then everything goes terribly, awfully, irretrievably WRONG, and then someone gets engaged or has a baby or kicks cancer. Every show. Every episode. One of those three things happens at the end. So, I'm watching Parenthood, and there is really good music playing, and I'm holding my iPhone up trying to catch it, and even though the characters won't shut their traps, are CONSTANTLY talking over one another, and not doing it in the really fast-paced, cool way, like on The West Wing, but more like, it might make me have a seizure or feel like I need to take anxiety medication just to get through all 48 minutes of it. So, I'm watching Parenthood, and my phone catches the song. And it's this: After All Is Said And Done. Now THAT'S a song. I could (and have) driven Indiana length-wise listening exclusively to Junip. When I have to drive Nashville to Pittsburgh and back, which I've done four times this year, you have to take Kentucky on the diagonal. This is unfortunate, but it happens, and when it does, you can easily get 10 repeat listens of Revenge in without noticing that you listened to it more than once. It's because the band is called Sparklehorse, but it's actually Danger Mouse. And The Flaming Lips. Then, when you hit the panhandle of West Virginia (yeah! there's a panhandle on West Virginia!!), treat yourself to Various Methods of Escape and do it at 112 mph. There are no cops in the WV panhandle (I've done the reconnaissance, trust me), and even if there are, at that speed, you can outrun them for 14 miles and hee hee them from Pennsylvania.
STEP 6: You didn't hear the song because you were thinking about Junip and wishing you were listening to that instead. Or maybe you were wondering if Trent Reznor could please stop toying with you by saying this REALLY is the VERY LAST TIME Nine Inch Nails will ever perform or release an album, which is a thing he's done four times by my count, and it's really starting to hurt my feelings because a girl only has so many tears. I have to cut back on Parenthood.
You were distracted. Get with it, and relisten. Just listen. But this time, close your eyes. You're starting to evaluate now. Get in the song. What is is doing to you? Here are some things it can make you want to do.... sing along. dance. scratch your eyes out. have sex. unplug the speakers.
STEP 7: Find the lyrics. (I don't care how. You're reading a blog. You know how to use a computer.)
STEP 8: Listen to the song while reading the lyrics. On this step, opinions can convert. You'll see.
STEP 9: Watch the video. This is often a game-changer as well. Anything happening?
STEP 10: Watch the video again. This time, get up and dance. Can you dance to it? Do you LIKE dancing to it? If it's, say, Bon Iver, there are no expectations on the dancing, so sit there and cry like you're supposed to. Is it a good crying song? Did you have to get some tissues? Could you drive through NEBRASKA from east to west listening ONLY to THIS song? If the answer is yes, you found a winner. An example of a winner would be Skylar Grey. I perform Dance Without You in my apartment 2 hours every day. Never gets old. It's an angrier version of that one song that we still can't get out of our heads... what was it called?... maybe call me and tell me if you can remember it. [NOTE about the Dance Without You video: Do NOT watch the video. The video is NIN creepy. Just listen to the song, which will increase your internal wattage by a power of 1,000,000,000,000. Seeing the video mucks up the vibe.]
OH FUCK, the Grammys just started. Beyonce's ass is ALREADY in my face, and I really do wonder if everything always has to be about Beyonce's ass. It seems that it's been this way for a while now. When will it be over? How long did Madonna reign in this fashion? But if that's how we're kicking it off, I'll look, but I'm already upset. I didn't do my whole regime, so I can already feel this turning into a rough night. I haven't listened to ANY of the songs yet. Record of the Year is one of the last awards given. So, while this post may not come out till August, rest assured, my process will be no less thorough.
The nominees for RECORD OF THE YEAR:
Oh my gosh! I have actually heard ALL of these songs, and I know ALL of these artists. Boy, did YOU just luck out! Now I'm going to have some messy and objectionable opinions that are heartfelt rather than made up on the fly. YAY!!
1. Get Lucky recorded by Daft Punk (feat/ Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers) (Track from: Random Access Memories).
Um.
I think I lied, but I'm not sure. The thing about this band is, I am almost positive that I know who they are. They've been around a long time, right? But I'm confused because...
Are they hiding their age? I watched the video, and they don't seem to be 10-15 years older than me. Is that Milli Vanilli under there? (I mean, the real Milli Vanilli, the fat guys with the voices, not the hot guys with the hair and the stomping.) I KNOW I know this band, but I lied before. I don't own any of their albums, and this is the first time I've ever heard this song. I will make a confession though: I like it. On fourth listen, for the dance portion, I got a good groove going, and I think that if I were at a party (if, say, Pete would have had a party, but he didn't, so I guess I have to wait till next year), and this song came on, I would do some toe-tapping. I haven't sparred it off with any of the other songs (the 11-Step process is arduous and time-consuming, and I have to take water breaks, and so on), but my verdict is: this song does not win. In fact, it comes in last place, unless Taylor sneaked in again this year, in which case, she will win in reality, but in my heart, where things matter, she gets last place. (Crap. Apologies again. I'm confusing things with the Olympics now because of all of the commercials. There isn't a bronze medal at the Grammys, is there? ACK! It hasn't even started and I hate it ALREADY. I'm DREADING this SO MUCH!! WHY???? WHY do I have to watch this? I want to see Shawn White. Please let Shawn White show up!)
2. Radioactive recorded by Imagine Dragons (Track from: Night Visions).
LOVE this song. Won't win. It's good though.
3. Royals recorded by Lorde (Track from: Pure Heroine).
WINNER. This song is so fucking amazing, I turn into a gangsta werewolf when I hear it, and I start to dance. I don't mean that I think about dancing or bop my head or bend a knee. I actually DANCE, full out: Treadmills (I know. This doesn't sound right, but it's a skill I have, which isn't to say there haven't been accidents, but I can do this. I really can. It's mostly in the fist pumps.) Airports (MDW, BNA, ATL, LAX, PGH, and ORD... OK, it's on my iPod and I purposely put it on when I go into airports because it makes me walk with purpose, and I'm so much more badass when I'm listening to it that I don't even care if I have to plow over a Chinese family of six to maintain my strut. [That happened, and I felt bad, so I turned around and said I was sorry, and the dad said something back, and it didn't seem like he was accepting my apology, but I'm not sure because I play my music really loud and "we don't care... that kinda love's just not for us... you can call me Queen Bee" and someone in my family is dead or dying, which is why I'm in an airport instead of a car, so I really need to get going. I'm sorry, Chinese people.]) Dentist's waiting room (It happened once. Just a little bit of dancing. Not enough to upset anyone. But it it didn't go unnoticed by Louise.)
4. Locked Out Of Heaven recorded by Bruno Mars (Track from: Unorthodox Jukebox)
Like this song. Totally danceable. But no. Just, no. Wasn't this up last year? And the year before? "Your sex takes me to paradise." (?) Come on. Did someone take me up on my 2012 suggestion for a 5150 and put you in a ward to have a talk with a professional about Grenade? I'm suspicious. Did Taylor write these lyrics?
5. Blurred Lines
I thought I liked this song about enough to listen to it, but it mostly annoys me, and I feel bad about that, because T.I. is SO STREET. How did he get caught up in this? If Rihana had been involved, I might be swayed, but they needed to "feat." a few more names to make this combination worthwhile. I tried to get through all the steps with this, but I just couldn't. I'm sorry. But, JESUS, this is a shitty song! Holy what the hell. Also, fact: I made a mistake. I've been seeing this guy's name a lot all year, and I HONESTLY BELIEVED that Alan Thicke had some kind of Shatner/Hasselhoff-poking-fun-at-himself-by-being-himself funny song out. I was wrong. This is a real person. And he's white. T.I., find Rihana. Make music. Win Grammy.
--
So, to begin with, why are you showing me all of the most awesome things from Grammys past? That's like making me...
Shit, Beyonce's ass just made me lose ALL of my thoughts. (It also made me go into my bathroom and take a look at my own ass. Am I doing it from the wrong angle? I can't find anything that round on ANY part of my body, let alone the area where my butt is supposed to be.)
OK, now all I can hear is the word "surf board" and a lot of bleeping. Is it my TV, or is she drinking while surfing AND swearing?
That's a nice tuxedo, Jay. (We're on a first-name basis, so I don't have to say the "Z.")
Did they really have to make their next baby in FRONT of us?
We're GO! HAT #1. Black. Not him, I mean he is, but so is the hat. Not on backwards.
Ooh, ooh! I know you guys. you're Daft Punk! I know lots about music people!!
Stop. STOP. When he said that Music has the power to blah blah blah "surprise us... like Beyonce did with her a..." I thought he was going to say "ass," but he said, "album." THAT surprised me.
YOKO and SEAN!?!?!?! (I always feel sorry for Julian.)
I can't believe they're starting in on me so early. I needed those prep days. I needed 'em BAD. Fuck Taylor coming in with the opening monologue. Don't you DARE talk about her sharing her truth like she's Alanis Morissette. Because she's not. She is NOT!!!
I made a mistake. I accidentally recorded this on the channel that is NOT in HD. I haven't seen not HD TV since 2004. My eyes hurt.
That hat on Pharrell reminds me of James' prop hat from The Crucible.
BEST NEW ARTIST: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
These really ARE new artists, because I've only heard of 2 of them. I really wanted it to go to Ed Sheeran so I could say things about his hair being "too much."
I'm confused about how this category for a new artist goes to TWO individual artists who perform separately, as far as I know.
And also, I am confused about the fact that this gentleman speaks so articulately, even when using the word "reppin'." Nice speech. Sorry that Ryan doesn't get to talk, and that his jacket is made out of the upholstery from my dad's 1971 Ford Fiesta.
Lorde performs Royals. Well.
I'm not proud of my address either. It's as if she actually IS the song, because she clearly didn't have the money to buy a nice outfit for a performance at a party. I think she's wearing my Portillo's uniform.
LOVE the talons. HATE the correctional/functional shoes... unless she actually needs them. If she's Forrest Gump or something, please don't get mad at me. I didn't have time to do research stuff about her feet.
Hunter Hayes performs Invisible. He's daring to be different, all right. I think I'm not the only one who just found out that the Grammys were on tonight. Black pants, black shirt, white sneakers? Why do all the performers look like they just yanked on the first two things they found in their closet? L.L. hasn't even changed his hat yet! If Beyonce's sturdy bathing suit is the most dressed up anyone is going to get, I need a Chili's commercial STAT.
I don't know who this is or who cuts his hair, but I have SO much to say about his accent that there isn't room here for me to write it.
BEST POP DUO OR GROUP PERFORMANCE: Get Lucky, Daft Punk (feat. Pharrell and his brown hat)
What a lot of fun hats on this group. All different kind of hats! It's like a Dr. Suess book.
Katy Perry performs with Juicy J (my other street name). You know, I just love this girl. Maybe it's the Christian Rock beginnings. (I still have nothing more to say about that.)
Cool, her bra changes colors. It's as if she heard me crying out for something less boring, but still, everything else is black. What a dark night. Oh, right. I get the horse. The song is called Dark Horse. At this point I'm not writing a blog. I'm just trying to talk myself through it, and I'm concerned because I'd rather watch the preview for The Monuments Men and Applebees than the Grammys themselves. And if Sony is going to use Spike Lee and "Wanna Be Startin' Something" in their commercials, I'll just watch THAT all night instead.
Is Chicago really playing backup for Robin Thicke? Is nothing sacred? I just had a flashback to 1998 when I witnessed Sting playing backup for Puffy. Oh, this is the oldie Chicago, not the Peter Cetera Chicago. Fuck 'em. Without Peter, they can do whatever they want with Robin NastyMustache.
Keith Urban, who is the only man alive to appear to have had more plastic surgery than his wife. I don't understand this man. As I'm listening to his song, I really like it, and even as I'm sitting in Nashville (I mentioned that I'm not proud of my address -- I actually live two feet southeast of the Nashville city line where it's cheaper, so you can call me Queen Bee, or Juicy J, or Baby D. I answer to anything because I still haven't made any friends.) But back to Keith, I live in Music City and I'm a minute away from hearing WAY better music in at least 30 bars and dives and holes in the wall for free if I left my house right now. And I feel embarrassed that I live here and have honestly never knowingly heard a Keith Urban song, assumed I didn't like him, and am completely wrong about that. I like him the best so far tonight, and not I want to just go downtown and listen to some real musicians.
FUCK. TAYLOR REFERENCE #3, as if she is royalty. When did she become Michael Jackson? I don't understand. Who is promoting the idea that this girl is something we are eagerly awaiting and peeing our pants for the chance to see? CHILI'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (When I do that, what I'm trying to channel is some form of "serenity now" that will keep me sitting here watching this when I hate it so much.)
John Legend. So talented. But, snore.
But, nice performances so far. Really. So, my question is, when do they unleash Kanye to edge this thing up a notch? It's too civilized. I wouldn't mind hearing Dave Grohl say something snarky and insulting to everyone. There's a slot for that. He does it every year.
Why doesn't Kevin Hart ever stand next to someone smaller than him? There ARE smaller people.
BEST ROCK SONG: Cut Me Some Slack (Paul McCartney, Dave Grohl, 2 other people)
First of all, which one of these things is not like the others: Beatles, Rolling Stones, Nirvana, Black Sabbath... Muse (one of my favs, but there's a GLARING decades gap here in a funny way).
Second, HOLY SHIT. Are they reading my MIND?!?! Please say something awful, Dave. PLEASE say something just terribly wrong and mean. Dave borrowed Hayes' outfit, less the sleeves, and of COURSE, he does all the talking. OH, SNAP!!!! "I called up Paul McCartney and he came over and we jammed out a Grammy-winning song in a couple hours in my basement" and he actually said this part verbatim: "and to me, that's what rock 'n' roll is all about." (implied: "SUCK IT, fuckwits! I don't even own a comb!")
Oh, Jesus. Here she is. I'm just fast-forwarding.
CHILI'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A standing ovation? Does that mean it's over? Was it AMAZING?! Is she the most talented person with long hair who ever lived? Were the lyrics profound? Did she break your heart with honesty.
Now, wait a second here. Even fast-forwarding, I saw her doing something with her head. You're not Alanis Morrissette, but you are also very much NOT Tori Amos. Don't you do that while sitting at a piano. Until you can do that while playing TWO pianos and a harp while having sex with the piano bench, you're a novice and I'm sick of watching you grow up. Get off the fucking stage.
P!nk and Nate. Good one. Still with the air dancing. Lots of bathing suits this year! No polar vortex in L.A., I take it. Are they even going to SHOW Nate? This is a duet, no?
Oh, thank you for this specimen throwing P!ink around instead of making me look at Nate. I just found the man of my dreams...
Here he is. The Yosemite Sam mustache is not even hipster. Wondering how many references to my father in the 70s they are going to force out of me tonight.
BEST POP SOLO PERFORMANCE: Lorde, Royals.
NIIIIIIICE!
Oh, someone gave her a dress and new shoes!
Ringo Starr. It is a song, but I want it to be over. There is a hint of an old man who stands up in a bar and starts singing and then everyone sings along, kind of.
I was kind of hoping for "I'm Looking Through You".
Jamis Foxx is taking some liberties that I'm not so sure about.
BEST RAP/SUNG COLLABORATION: Holy Grail, Jay Z & Justin Timberlake (in abstentia)
Cute = "I wanna tell Ivy that Daddy got a gold sippy cup for you."
1 hour, 43 minutes in, L.L. hasn't changed his hat.
Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons. This is a super effective collab. I love the all-white outfits and drums. Rivaling Kanye here for "There's a 40-year-old white lady who buys your rap music." But then, who's ruining it for everyone? Guess. Head banging, TS? Don't do that.
EVERYONE in the audience is singing along. But the best spot was Steven Tyler
WOW!
Kacey Musgraves. I can't tell if she's a country music act. Her skirt and Christmas Tree Light boots aren't cliche at all. She'll turn into Katy Perry by next year year's Grammys. I'm legitimately jealous of any woman who (1) can whistle, and (2) doesn't have to wear a bra.
Yay! 2 hours in, I caught up and switched to HD. It's the most elaborate, random-bunch-of-famous-laden Pepsi commercial ever. Mike Ditka and Terry Bradshaw. But all I want now is a cheeseburger. Where did that come from? Because it's 10:50 PM, and I'm only halfway through this thing, and I've been writing this for 6 hours straight. Someone put a cheeseburger in my computer.
You know who should be giving this Beatles speech instead of Julia Roberts (nothing against her, but her award show is next month): Queen Latifah. She's too missing tonight. I like my Grammys with more Queen L.
Is it wrong that I would prefer Mull of Kintyre to whatever Sir Paul is doing right now? He looks more like Linda every time I see him.
PRODUCER OF THE YEAR: Pharrell Williams.
Wow. I am feeling REALLY weird about never having heard of this chappy in the cappy before tonight. He's already won 3 Grammys.
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM: Unorthodox Jukebox, Bruno Mars.
Hugs TS first. Nice bolo. He's cute. but OH MY GOD!!!!!! The camera caught a VERY BAD MOMENT. Just as he was stuttering out, "I wanna dedicate this award to" they cut to his girlfriend, the Latina Jessica Rabbit (her name is actually Jessica), and Jessica was waiting for him to say her name, BUT HE DIDN'T! He DIDN'T. They kept he frame on HER when he said, "... to my ma." and the corners of her mouth went down and she was PISSED!! He thanked his deceased mama, and his girlfriend is PISSED!!
Jeremy Renner. He is not a music person as far as I know, but he is the best dressed guy in gray of the evening.
Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson. Mildly awkward because they look like a corpse band at Showbiz Pizza.
The cuts to Yoko and Sean are sweet. I like how everyone is smiling so big and lovingly while singing along to "Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys." This song reminds me of Mandy. I had never heard a country song before I met her.
Zac. Brown. Take. Off. Your. Hat.
BEST COUNTRY ALBUM: (THE "KICK SOMETHING IN THE ASS" AWARD) Same Trailer, Different Park, Kacey Musgraves.
WAIT WAIT WAIT. HOW is TS in THIS category. But you can eat it, but Kayce is a LOT prettier than you, and she just thanked Nashville the city in its entirety, which made me feel nice.
L.L. -- same hat!! You're killing me!
Neil Patrick Harris introduces Daft Punk playing Get Lucky with Stevie Wonder, Nile Rodgers, Pharrell Williams (new hat!) And Stevie is where he belongs, in FRONT. I like this version better than the recorded one. Because, Stevie. This is a GREAT performance. I'm getting chills. Freak out. Robots! There are so many songs happening, I think I missed 8 of them. Everyone is dancing. My favorites are Yoko, Katy, and Steven Tyler, who is trying to start a conga line. Nice work, Daft Punk. You are the Deadmau5 of 2014.
Cyndi Lauper introduces Sarah Bareilles playing with Carole King, one of my favorite things in the world (see last year's post), and since my mom played the Beatles, Bob Dylan, or Tapestry whenever she was cleaning the house (which was always), I have to dust everything now, but I'll be back in 5.
SONG OF THE YEAR: (remember, this goes to the song WRITER, who may or may not be the performer) Royals (Joel Little and Ella Yelich O'Connor, who is, SURPRISE!! Lorde)
Jared Leto. Hi. I've missed you. Gives death announcement of Lou Reed. And introduces Mettalica with Lang Lang on keys performing One. I didn't know that I liked this song because I was holed up in a dark room listening to The Joshua Tree when Mettalica was happening to other people. I respect this band, but it's confirmed. I don't like their music at all. I know that's upsetting to hear, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, because they have really beautiful guitars and all, but I'm going to go back to dusting till this screeching is over.
Steven Lyler and Smokie Robinson... Which one will melt first?
Is Steven Tyler ad libbing?
Here it is. Can I get something right for the first time in Grammy history?
RECORD OF THE YEAR: Get Lucky, Daft Punk, harrall Williams, & Nile Rodgers.
Nope. But after seeing them perform live, I'm totally down with it.
And I love how Pharrell speaks for the group so sweetly, refers to the robots and thanks their parents and France for them.
OK, I can't get a win call correct, but I know what belongs at the Grammys, and Queen shows up to introduce Macklemore and Ryan Lewis performing Same Love (I don't know if I can get away with saying this word, but I'm saying it anyway: These lyrics are DOPE!!) with Mary Lambert and 33 marriages. I have chills and they won't go away. Queen is the officiant, and then Madonna (who better!) in cowgirl persona, Open Your Heart. I'll stop making fun of this now. It's taking the cake. SHIT. This performance is the coolest thing I've ever seen a the Grammys, or just generally on TV. Even Keith Urban is crying. And I still have NIN and Dave to look forward to?
MUSIC EDUCATOR AWARD: Kent Knappenberger
IN MEMORIAM: (people died, some of them too young)
Lambert and Green Day --> hair off
Am I watching the Grammys or Parenthood? If I wanted to cry, it's not like I don't know how.
Say something mean again, Dave, so this unfamiliar feeling of sincerity will go away.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Random Access Memories, Daft Punk
French Robots give each other longest hug in Grammy history. Who will speak for them?
Most beautiful thank you speech of the evening by a little fellow.
But no more tears -- let's rock. NIN with Queens of the Stone Age, Lindsay Buckingham, and Dave Grohl perform Copy of A. Then Josh Homme TRIES to sing My God Is The Sun, but they interrupt with ads and credits, so I guess I can go to Chili's now?
One hat on L.L. Zero Grammys bestowed on TS. Two fantastic hats and 38 Grammys for Pharrell. 2 French robots. And 33 marriages yield an appropriate amount of healthy and warranted weeping. Not what i expected, but it never is, because I know nothing about music.
Shit, Beyonce's ass just made me lose ALL of my thoughts. (It also made me go into my bathroom and take a look at my own ass. Am I doing it from the wrong angle? I can't find anything that round on ANY part of my body, let alone the area where my butt is supposed to be.)
OK, now all I can hear is the word "surf board" and a lot of bleeping. Is it my TV, or is she drinking while surfing AND swearing?
That's a nice tuxedo, Jay. (We're on a first-name basis, so I don't have to say the "Z.")
Did they really have to make their next baby in FRONT of us?
We're GO! HAT #1. Black. Not him, I mean he is, but so is the hat. Not on backwards.
Ooh, ooh! I know you guys. you're Daft Punk! I know lots about music people!!
Stop. STOP. When he said that Music has the power to blah blah blah "surprise us... like Beyonce did with her a..." I thought he was going to say "ass," but he said, "album." THAT surprised me.
YOKO and SEAN!?!?!?! (I always feel sorry for Julian.)
I can't believe they're starting in on me so early. I needed those prep days. I needed 'em BAD. Fuck Taylor coming in with the opening monologue. Don't you DARE talk about her sharing her truth like she's Alanis Morissette. Because she's not. She is NOT!!!
I made a mistake. I accidentally recorded this on the channel that is NOT in HD. I haven't seen not HD TV since 2004. My eyes hurt.
That hat on Pharrell reminds me of James' prop hat from The Crucible.
BEST NEW ARTIST: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
These really ARE new artists, because I've only heard of 2 of them. I really wanted it to go to Ed Sheeran so I could say things about his hair being "too much."
I'm confused about how this category for a new artist goes to TWO individual artists who perform separately, as far as I know.
And also, I am confused about the fact that this gentleman speaks so articulately, even when using the word "reppin'." Nice speech. Sorry that Ryan doesn't get to talk, and that his jacket is made out of the upholstery from my dad's 1971 Ford Fiesta.
Lorde performs Royals. Well.
I'm not proud of my address either. It's as if she actually IS the song, because she clearly didn't have the money to buy a nice outfit for a performance at a party. I think she's wearing my Portillo's uniform.
LOVE the talons. HATE the correctional/functional shoes... unless she actually needs them. If she's Forrest Gump or something, please don't get mad at me. I didn't have time to do research stuff about her feet.
Hunter Hayes performs Invisible. He's daring to be different, all right. I think I'm not the only one who just found out that the Grammys were on tonight. Black pants, black shirt, white sneakers? Why do all the performers look like they just yanked on the first two things they found in their closet? L.L. hasn't even changed his hat yet! If Beyonce's sturdy bathing suit is the most dressed up anyone is going to get, I need a Chili's commercial STAT.
I don't know who this is or who cuts his hair, but I have SO much to say about his accent that there isn't room here for me to write it.
BEST POP DUO OR GROUP PERFORMANCE: Get Lucky, Daft Punk (feat. Pharrell and his brown hat)
What a lot of fun hats on this group. All different kind of hats! It's like a Dr. Suess book.
Katy Perry performs with Juicy J (my other street name). You know, I just love this girl. Maybe it's the Christian Rock beginnings. (I still have nothing more to say about that.)
Cool, her bra changes colors. It's as if she heard me crying out for something less boring, but still, everything else is black. What a dark night. Oh, right. I get the horse. The song is called Dark Horse. At this point I'm not writing a blog. I'm just trying to talk myself through it, and I'm concerned because I'd rather watch the preview for The Monuments Men and Applebees than the Grammys themselves. And if Sony is going to use Spike Lee and "Wanna Be Startin' Something" in their commercials, I'll just watch THAT all night instead.
Is Chicago really playing backup for Robin Thicke? Is nothing sacred? I just had a flashback to 1998 when I witnessed Sting playing backup for Puffy. Oh, this is the oldie Chicago, not the Peter Cetera Chicago. Fuck 'em. Without Peter, they can do whatever they want with Robin NastyMustache.
Keith Urban, who is the only man alive to appear to have had more plastic surgery than his wife. I don't understand this man. As I'm listening to his song, I really like it, and even as I'm sitting in Nashville (I mentioned that I'm not proud of my address -- I actually live two feet southeast of the Nashville city line where it's cheaper, so you can call me Queen Bee, or Juicy J, or Baby D. I answer to anything because I still haven't made any friends.) But back to Keith, I live in Music City and I'm a minute away from hearing WAY better music in at least 30 bars and dives and holes in the wall for free if I left my house right now. And I feel embarrassed that I live here and have honestly never knowingly heard a Keith Urban song, assumed I didn't like him, and am completely wrong about that. I like him the best so far tonight, and not I want to just go downtown and listen to some real musicians.
FUCK. TAYLOR REFERENCE #3, as if she is royalty. When did she become Michael Jackson? I don't understand. Who is promoting the idea that this girl is something we are eagerly awaiting and peeing our pants for the chance to see? CHILI'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (When I do that, what I'm trying to channel is some form of "serenity now" that will keep me sitting here watching this when I hate it so much.)
John Legend. So talented. But, snore.
But, nice performances so far. Really. So, my question is, when do they unleash Kanye to edge this thing up a notch? It's too civilized. I wouldn't mind hearing Dave Grohl say something snarky and insulting to everyone. There's a slot for that. He does it every year.
Why doesn't Kevin Hart ever stand next to someone smaller than him? There ARE smaller people.
BEST ROCK SONG: Cut Me Some Slack (Paul McCartney, Dave Grohl, 2 other people)
First of all, which one of these things is not like the others: Beatles, Rolling Stones, Nirvana, Black Sabbath... Muse (one of my favs, but there's a GLARING decades gap here in a funny way).
Second, HOLY SHIT. Are they reading my MIND?!?! Please say something awful, Dave. PLEASE say something just terribly wrong and mean. Dave borrowed Hayes' outfit, less the sleeves, and of COURSE, he does all the talking. OH, SNAP!!!! "I called up Paul McCartney and he came over and we jammed out a Grammy-winning song in a couple hours in my basement" and he actually said this part verbatim: "and to me, that's what rock 'n' roll is all about." (implied: "SUCK IT, fuckwits! I don't even own a comb!")
Oh, Jesus. Here she is. I'm just fast-forwarding.
CHILI'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A standing ovation? Does that mean it's over? Was it AMAZING?! Is she the most talented person with long hair who ever lived? Were the lyrics profound? Did she break your heart with honesty.
Now, wait a second here. Even fast-forwarding, I saw her doing something with her head. You're not Alanis Morrissette, but you are also very much NOT Tori Amos. Don't you do that while sitting at a piano. Until you can do that while playing TWO pianos and a harp while having sex with the piano bench, you're a novice and I'm sick of watching you grow up. Get off the fucking stage.
P!nk and Nate. Good one. Still with the air dancing. Lots of bathing suits this year! No polar vortex in L.A., I take it. Are they even going to SHOW Nate? This is a duet, no?
Oh, thank you for this specimen throwing P!ink around instead of making me look at Nate. I just found the man of my dreams...
Here he is. The Yosemite Sam mustache is not even hipster. Wondering how many references to my father in the 70s they are going to force out of me tonight.
BEST POP SOLO PERFORMANCE: Lorde, Royals.
NIIIIIIICE!
Oh, someone gave her a dress and new shoes!
Ringo Starr. It is a song, but I want it to be over. There is a hint of an old man who stands up in a bar and starts singing and then everyone sings along, kind of.
I was kind of hoping for "I'm Looking Through You".
Jamis Foxx is taking some liberties that I'm not so sure about.
BEST RAP/SUNG COLLABORATION: Holy Grail, Jay Z & Justin Timberlake (in abstentia)
Cute = "I wanna tell Ivy that Daddy got a gold sippy cup for you."
1 hour, 43 minutes in, L.L. hasn't changed his hat.
Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons. This is a super effective collab. I love the all-white outfits and drums. Rivaling Kanye here for "There's a 40-year-old white lady who buys your rap music." But then, who's ruining it for everyone? Guess. Head banging, TS? Don't do that.
EVERYONE in the audience is singing along. But the best spot was Steven Tyler
WOW!
Kacey Musgraves. I can't tell if she's a country music act. Her skirt and Christmas Tree Light boots aren't cliche at all. She'll turn into Katy Perry by next year year's Grammys. I'm legitimately jealous of any woman who (1) can whistle, and (2) doesn't have to wear a bra.
Yay! 2 hours in, I caught up and switched to HD. It's the most elaborate, random-bunch-of-famous-laden Pepsi commercial ever. Mike Ditka and Terry Bradshaw. But all I want now is a cheeseburger. Where did that come from? Because it's 10:50 PM, and I'm only halfway through this thing, and I've been writing this for 6 hours straight. Someone put a cheeseburger in my computer.
You know who should be giving this Beatles speech instead of Julia Roberts (nothing against her, but her award show is next month): Queen Latifah. She's too missing tonight. I like my Grammys with more Queen L.
Is it wrong that I would prefer Mull of Kintyre to whatever Sir Paul is doing right now? He looks more like Linda every time I see him.
PRODUCER OF THE YEAR: Pharrell Williams.
Wow. I am feeling REALLY weird about never having heard of this chappy in the cappy before tonight. He's already won 3 Grammys.
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM: Unorthodox Jukebox, Bruno Mars.
Hugs TS first. Nice bolo. He's cute. but OH MY GOD!!!!!! The camera caught a VERY BAD MOMENT. Just as he was stuttering out, "I wanna dedicate this award to" they cut to his girlfriend, the Latina Jessica Rabbit (her name is actually Jessica), and Jessica was waiting for him to say her name, BUT HE DIDN'T! He DIDN'T. They kept he frame on HER when he said, "... to my ma." and the corners of her mouth went down and she was PISSED!! He thanked his deceased mama, and his girlfriend is PISSED!!
Jeremy Renner. He is not a music person as far as I know, but he is the best dressed guy in gray of the evening.
Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson. Mildly awkward because they look like a corpse band at Showbiz Pizza.
The cuts to Yoko and Sean are sweet. I like how everyone is smiling so big and lovingly while singing along to "Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys." This song reminds me of Mandy. I had never heard a country song before I met her.
Zac. Brown. Take. Off. Your. Hat.
BEST COUNTRY ALBUM: (THE "KICK SOMETHING IN THE ASS" AWARD) Same Trailer, Different Park, Kacey Musgraves.
WAIT WAIT WAIT. HOW is TS in THIS category. But you can eat it, but Kayce is a LOT prettier than you, and she just thanked Nashville the city in its entirety, which made me feel nice.
L.L. -- same hat!! You're killing me!
Neil Patrick Harris introduces Daft Punk playing Get Lucky with Stevie Wonder, Nile Rodgers, Pharrell Williams (new hat!) And Stevie is where he belongs, in FRONT. I like this version better than the recorded one. Because, Stevie. This is a GREAT performance. I'm getting chills. Freak out. Robots! There are so many songs happening, I think I missed 8 of them. Everyone is dancing. My favorites are Yoko, Katy, and Steven Tyler, who is trying to start a conga line. Nice work, Daft Punk. You are the Deadmau5 of 2014.
Cyndi Lauper introduces Sarah Bareilles playing with Carole King, one of my favorite things in the world (see last year's post), and since my mom played the Beatles, Bob Dylan, or Tapestry whenever she was cleaning the house (which was always), I have to dust everything now, but I'll be back in 5.
SONG OF THE YEAR: (remember, this goes to the song WRITER, who may or may not be the performer) Royals (Joel Little and Ella Yelich O'Connor, who is, SURPRISE!! Lorde)
Jared Leto. Hi. I've missed you. Gives death announcement of Lou Reed. And introduces Mettalica with Lang Lang on keys performing One. I didn't know that I liked this song because I was holed up in a dark room listening to The Joshua Tree when Mettalica was happening to other people. I respect this band, but it's confirmed. I don't like their music at all. I know that's upsetting to hear, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, because they have really beautiful guitars and all, but I'm going to go back to dusting till this screeching is over.
Steven Lyler and Smokie Robinson... Which one will melt first?
Is Steven Tyler ad libbing?
Here it is. Can I get something right for the first time in Grammy history?
RECORD OF THE YEAR: Get Lucky, Daft Punk, harrall Williams, & Nile Rodgers.
Nope. But after seeing them perform live, I'm totally down with it.
And I love how Pharrell speaks for the group so sweetly, refers to the robots and thanks their parents and France for them.
OK, I can't get a win call correct, but I know what belongs at the Grammys, and Queen shows up to introduce Macklemore and Ryan Lewis performing Same Love (I don't know if I can get away with saying this word, but I'm saying it anyway: These lyrics are DOPE!!) with Mary Lambert and 33 marriages. I have chills and they won't go away. Queen is the officiant, and then Madonna (who better!) in cowgirl persona, Open Your Heart. I'll stop making fun of this now. It's taking the cake. SHIT. This performance is the coolest thing I've ever seen a the Grammys, or just generally on TV. Even Keith Urban is crying. And I still have NIN and Dave to look forward to?
MUSIC EDUCATOR AWARD: Kent Knappenberger
IN MEMORIAM: (people died, some of them too young)
Lambert and Green Day --> hair off
Am I watching the Grammys or Parenthood? If I wanted to cry, it's not like I don't know how.
Say something mean again, Dave, so this unfamiliar feeling of sincerity will go away.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Random Access Memories, Daft Punk
French Robots give each other longest hug in Grammy history. Who will speak for them?
Most beautiful thank you speech of the evening by a little fellow.
But no more tears -- let's rock. NIN with Queens of the Stone Age, Lindsay Buckingham, and Dave Grohl perform Copy of A. Then Josh Homme TRIES to sing My God Is The Sun, but they interrupt with ads and credits, so I guess I can go to Chili's now?
One hat on L.L. Zero Grammys bestowed on TS. Two fantastic hats and 38 Grammys for Pharrell. 2 French robots. And 33 marriages yield an appropriate amount of healthy and warranted weeping. Not what i expected, but it never is, because I know nothing about music.
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